You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
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The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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