i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
