This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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