Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
