The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
