I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
