i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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