I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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