my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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