I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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