I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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