No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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