I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
this boner is exhausting
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
