i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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