You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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