Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
