Cold hands, warm shart.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
