it was like his penis was on wheels.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
