Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
