No, drunk sperm still make babies.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
