That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize