STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
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She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
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I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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