My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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