I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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