Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
