I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
