ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live