she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.