paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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