on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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