I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
