last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My bed smells like the plague
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
