I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
