i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
