It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
