I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
