I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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