but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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