I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
