I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
