Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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