He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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