I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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