I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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