It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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