Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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