How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
