The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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