apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
