And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Of course I have a pirate flag
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
