i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
