This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
