Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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