so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
