Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
