I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem