I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I need help removing her.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.